What S.Collins Missed

'In the morning he (Buttercup) sits stoically as I clean the cuts, but digging the thorn from his paw brings on a round of those kitten mews. We both end up crying again, only this time we comfort each other. On the strength of this I open the letter Haymitch gave me from my mother, dial the phone number and weep with her as well. Peeta, bearing a warm loaf of bread, shows up with Greasy Sae. She makes us breakfast and I feed all my bacon to Buttercup.'

I wake up kicking, punching and screaming Prim's name, tears are pouring down my cheeks as I gasp for air and reach out to invisible arms. Funny how you don't really miss something until it's gone. How many times have I wished his arms around mine these last few weeks? Yet when he was there for me I didn't even think about it. I sit up, one hand over my franticly beating heart, trying to calm myself down. Slowly I push the blanket off my feet and make my way to the window where I rip the curtains apart. The sun is just peaking into existence over the horizon, bringing a muted orange glow to the sky. It was so beautiful I almost forgot all my nightmares for a moment, until I hear something moving behind me. Franticly I turn around, about to punch the lights out of anyone there but my fist meets the air. In confusion I look down and find Prim's squashed face cat, Buttercup. Sighing I brush a strand of hair from my face and drop my clenched hand.

"Stay here." I command him, then head to the bathroom. As I'm reaching for the medicine cupboard I catch sight of myself in the mirror above the sink. I didn't bother to undo my braid from last night so lots of the dark hair has fallen out and into my face. My grey eyes are blood-shot from lack of sleep and huge purple bags hang underneath them and my lips are cracked. This is definitely not the face of a rebellion. Turning away quickly I grab some antiseptic, cotton wool buds and a set of tweezers, then I get to work. Slowly I began to clean the cats wounds and he doesn't make any fuss, well that is until I dig out the thorn from his paw, then he cries out. I see the small drop of blood and suddenly I begin to wail as well, I hold Buttercup close against my body for comfort. He meows painfully at the loss we both feel. Having him with me feels so much better, just knowing I'm not alone.

Once the tears have stopped we sit still for a few minutes and try to figure out what the next step is. Then it's like my body takes over, it knows where to go, it knows what I need before my brain can think things through logically. I allow myself to be lead out of the bedroom and down to the office. I reach down to open the draw of my desk and take out the letter my mother left for me.

She's brief in her writing, explaining how she was need in District 4 to start a hospital. She says she's sorry for not visiting me, that she wants me to call her the moment I get home. She tells me she needs to bury herself in work not sorrow like she did last time. Her number is written at the bottom, right underneath her signature. Closing my eyes and breathing in I control myself and dial the number. No one answers so I call again, it is still pretty early in the morning. This time she answers all be it a little sleepily.

"Hello?" Just hearing her voice brings both the comfort I need, and the feeling of knives stabbing my stomach. This was the woman who would have seen Prim die when she was just 7 because of her own selfishness.

"Hi." My voice is snappy and hard but I don't care.

"Katniss!" My mother cries, obviously relieved, the sound of her voice melts away the anger I had felt towards her moments ago. "I was so worried! I mean when you didn't call I...what's wrong?" My breathing has become irregular and at her words I burst into tears again.

"I m-miss her." I manage to choke out, realising this is the first time I have said the words out loud. My mother is silent for a few moments and when she does speak again I am surprised to hear that she too is crying.

"I know, I know." She sighs and then we both break down, just hearing each other going through the same pain seems to be enough to bring some comfort to us both. After what feels like hours we run out of tears. "I love you Katniss." She manages.

"I...I love you too." I tell her.

"Speak soon?" She asks.

"Yeah." I whisper and then she places the phone down. Turning around I see Buttercup has stayed by my side the whole time,  I give his ear a little tickle, then heave myself to my feet and run back to my room to have a shower. I'm done wallowing.

When I step out again I feel clean, cleaner and happier than I have in weeks. I dry myself and pull on a fresh set of clothes. A pair of tight black trousers with a loose, flowing cream coloured shirt which hangs down to about mid thigh. I am about pick up the brush and  re-do my hair when the doorbell rings. Puzzled I make my way downstairs. Greasy Sae usually just lets herself in and starts making breakfast, I haven't seen Haymitch in a while, Gale is in District 2 and Peeta hasn't talked to me since he planted the Primroses outside my house. Cautiously I open the door and find out I am very wrong.
It's Greasy Sae. Her jacket is pulled close to her body to protect her from the cold, grey hair falls down her face in wispy trails and she smiles when she sees me. Beside her is Peeta, his cheeks red from the frosty air, his blond hair has been completely messed up by the wind but his blue eyes shine out, this is how I know he is my Peeta, not that thing Snow created.

"Hi." He says.

"Hey." I say back.

"Peeta wanted to bring you some bread and I  suggested he stay for breakfast. That'd be ok wouldn't it?" Greasy Sae asks. I nod taking in Peeta's pale skin and thinning frame, then the package in his hands.

"I won't be a nuisance. Promise." He tells me as they both step through into my house, shaking off the cold. Once we reach the kitchen Greasy Sae goes to the fridge to pull out some sausages, bacon and eggs. She's being surprisingly quiet which means she wants Peeta and me to talk. I sit down nervously at the table as he unwraps the white paper to reveal a cheesy loaf. From where I am I can feel the heat still radiating from the fresh loaf and the smell sends my saliva into working overtime.

"Would you like a slice now?" He asks. I nod; afraid that if I open my mouth all that will come out is drool. He goes towards the cupboard where we...I keep the plates. He pulls one out and sets it on the table, then turns around to open the cutlery draw and pull out a sharp bread knife.  I have to admit as he walks towards me I'm a little nervous, in fairness he has tried to kill me before with just his hands, who knows what he could do with a knife? However now he only uses it to cut a thick slice of the heavenly bread.

"So how've you been?" I find the silence unbearable. It shouldn't be like this between the two of us, we've both been through enough without the added strain of each other.

"It's been difficult." He admits, and I'm glad he's being truthful with me. "Delly's been coming to see me every day, to make sure I'm ok. Sometimes I go to Haymitch's. It's been pretty lonely, I'm not used to being by myself so much. Growing up with 2 brothers the house was always pretty noisy...but I'm learning to get through everything." I can tell by the way he says 'everything' he also means the tracker jacker venom, not just the loss of his whole family. He finishes slicing the bread and pushes a plate my way, then slips into the seat next to me. Before anything more can be said I devour it, taking in the soft, fluffiness of the bread and the tangy taste of the herbed cheese as they melt together on my taste buds. Once I've finished I look up and see Peeta watching me, amusement clear in his brilliant blue eyes.

"What?" I ask a small grin on my lips. " I haven't had bread like that since before the Quell." Instantly I regret my choice of words as I see Peeta's fist clench the table turning his knuckles white, then his pupils grow large like saucers; taking over the warm blue colour that was there moments ago.  I should be scared, I should move away from him. But I don't. It takes him a few moments, he's obviously sorting through a memory in his head trying to decide if it's real or not. Then as quickly as it started his pupils become pinpoints, then expand again before going back to their normal size. I see the muscles all over his body relax as he snaps his head away from me. Obviously scared that if he looks at me the tracker jacker creature will come back. Greasy Sae, (who was watching closely, ready to jump in if Peeta attacked) now presents us with plates filled to the brim with food for a king.

"Thanks." I tell her, she smiles at me then goes to wash up the pans.

"I'm glad you liked the bread" Peeta tells me, pushing a sausage around his plate. "Sorry it's not as good as normal, I don't have the proper bread oven anymore what with the bakery being...well you know." I nod in understanding as Buttercup jumps up on the table, her beady eyes watching my fork as I lift some food into my mouth.

"Spoiled cat." I sigh picking up a bit of bacon between my fingers and holding it out, the greedy thing scoffs it down. I pick up another piece and just as quickly it's gone down the animals throat, I do this again and again until all my bacon has gone. Greasy Sae rolls her eyes at me and complains that I'm wasting perfectly good food.

"Well Effie would never approve." Peeta says, "An animal on the table? Being fed from your fingers? Why it's nearly as bad as those tributes she had to put up with before us." I smile at the joke, remembering a time that seemed so long ago when I had thought Peeta was the enemy. Thought he wanted to kill me.

Once we're done with breakfast Greasy Sae comes to take our plates but Peeta stops her. It's weird to see his youthful pale skin against hers which olive coloured, wrinkled and covered in sun spots.

"Don't worry I'll wash these up." He tells her, "The least I can do."

"Well if you insist I'm not going to complain, Katniss what else would you like me to do?"

"Nothing." I say simply. "You can go home if you want." She looks horrified at the suggestion and I can't blame her because I feel the same way, can I really be left alone with Peeta? But after I give her one of my famous glares she decides to leave.

"I'll be back in a few hours for lunch." She tells me grabbing her coat from the chair and giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
"See ya." I call out as I hear the front door slam shut. My mind goes back to those nights Peeta slept awkwardly with the cuffs on his hands attached to a metal pole, just to make sure couldn't harm me or anyone else, it obviously wasn't comfertable and he was in pain, but he didn't want to hurt someone. If he thought he was endangering me by being alone with me in the house he would have said something, I'm sure of it.

"You should call Dr. Aurelius." Peeta tells me bringing me back to earth. I haven't noticed but as I've been contemplating he's already got to work, placing all the plates in a pile by the sink. He turns the hot tap  on as he speaks and begins to pour cleaning liquid into the steaming water. I think about what he suggested and decide it's not a bad idea. Nervously I tell him I don't have Dr. Aurelius' number and he gives me a slip of paper with  a string of numbers and the good Doctors name written beside them written in Peeta's neat, loopy writing. I head into the office for the second time that morning. Nervously I  pick up the hand set and start dialling.  

"Hello Katniss."

"Hello."

"How are you?" He asks and I hear concern in his voice. I can't really blame him, last time he saw me I was a complete wreck.

"I'm...better." I don't want to lie and tell him that I'm ok, or that I'm fine or even that I'm still a complete mess because I'm not.

"That's good, have you spoken with your mother?"

"Yes, this morning. It helped a lot, knowing she's suffering as well as me."

"Have you spoken with Peeta?"

"You know I have, you told him to come over. Didn't you? You told Peeta to get me to call you." The piece of paper with the Doctors number that Peeta just so happened to have scrunches up in my fist.

"Yes. For one I really needed to talk to you and I thought you would listen to him. I also thought it would help seeing him again. You're both healing, both mourning, both broken. Tell me if I was wrong to assume seeing him would aid your recovery."

"No you weren't wrong, it's good seeing him again almost back to normal. I've missed him. Before he used to sleep with me so that he could calm me down if I ever had a nightmare, now I have to deal with them alone and it's hard." I freeze as the last words slip from my mouth. I, Katniss Everdeen have never admitted something was too hard for me. Never. Not when I was starving. Not when my father died. Not when I was fighting for my life in the Games. So why now?

"Like I tell Peeta, it's going to be hard. Nothing in this world is easy. I suggest you just try to get through the motions, simply getting up, eating, maybe do some hunting. Soon you'll find something with meaning again."

"I'll try." I tell him.

"Call me again if there's anything I can help you with."

"I will." Then I place the phone down gently, rubbing my aching head with the palm of my hand. How was it possible for someone to feel so many things in such a short space of time?

"I'm going now." I turn to see Peeta leaning on the door frame, his body illuminated by the natural light that shines through the office window. How long as he been stood there? "I have to pop by Haymitch's, make sure he's ok. Then I said I'd help in town, they still haven't finished clearing the bakery yet."

"Oh...well I'll see you soon then." I say, unable to think of anything else.

"Yeah."

"Send Haymitch my love." A smile curves onto my lips and an identical one appears on Peeta's.

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it." He goes to leave and then stops, turning back around to face me he almost whispers the words. "I heard what you told Dr. Aurelius and your wrong you don't have to do it alone Katniss." Then he's gone before I can respond.